Nine things you’ll understand if you’ve ever had a workplace crush

Ah, the inevitable workplace crush…

The awkward small talk. The glancing lovingly into their eyes at every opportunity. The unreciprocated love reminiscent of a 1990s rom-com. Chances are, you’ve experienced at least one of these things at some point in your working life.

To help you relate (and to reassure you that you’re not alone), here are nine things you’ll understand if you’ve ever had a crush at work:

 

  1. You find excuses to be near them

You definitely need a stapler right now. No, the one a metre away won’t do. It must be the red one, directly opposite said crush’s desk. That one totally staples better anyway.

Once you’ve justified the logic of walking up three sets of stairs, you’ll wave enthusiastically, say hello, and awkwardly fumble whilst leaning against the wall (in some vague attempt to look cool).

It does not look cool.

 

  1. You’ll do anything to make after-work-drinks happen

Ideally with them. And only with them. But of course, you’ll have to invite the entire office for it to not seem shamelessly obvious.

Then the day will come, they’ll bail last minute, and you’ll be stuck at the pub talking to Sharon from office management about whether or not she should change paper suppliers. In. Your. Best. Outfit.

 

  1. You find menial work-based tasks mildly terrifying

That team meeting. The weekly presentation. Just making a cup of tea. No matter what it is, if it’s in close proximity of your crush, clumsiness (and/or a failed attempt at flirting) will ensue.

‘Yeah so, how about that tea, huh? It’s umm…really refreshing, isn’t it? Oh no, I dropped the spoon. LOL. Oh, there’s hot water everywhere. Hahaha it’s OK, I’m fine. Just your run-of-the-mill third degree burns. OK, bye.’

 

  1. You analyse their every move

Yesterday, they smiled at you. That probably means they’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you, right? And, just the other day, they tapped your arm. OK, so maybe they were just trying to get past. But what if they weren’t?

You then give your friends a step-by-step play of every moment in the hope that they’ll reassure you that all of these signs are in fact an indication of love and not just general politeness. Yep, it’s final. You will wed in the spring.

 

  1. You become the world’s worst detective

Are they married? Do they have a partner? Are they ‘it’s complicated’? You need to know.

You can’t ask, obviously. Instead, you search the depths of social media whilst also trying your best to give them every opportunity to talk about their significant other (see also: break your heart).

‘So that festival you’re going to, is that with friends, or…?’

 

  1. You’re glued to your email/IM/work-based messaging service all day

The weather, office news, or you know, literally anything, becomes an opportunity to extend the conversation electronically.

‘Could that meeting have been any longer? That rain really is coming down out there. Did you see the new kettle?’

You’re pretty sure this is classed as work. You NEED to send that GIF. On four separate occasions throughout the day. You peer over your screen and see them giggling. Yes, you think. This is it. The moment you develop inside jokes GIFs is the moment you both realise you’re made for each other.

 

  1. You laugh at everything they say

It could be that you genuinely find them funny, or it could be that you just really want them to notice your existence. And what better way than to exhibit your loveable, and somewhat irritating, cackle 17 times a day? In the end, you do it so much that it happens when they aren’t even joking.

Crush: “I’m just gonna make a drink, does anyone want anythi…”

You: “AHAHAHAHA, good one. You. Are. Hilarious.”

 

  1. You actually care about your appearance

That mildly dishevelled ‘rolled out of bed look’ won’t cut it anymore – not if you want to get noticed by you-know-who. You actually have to try.

So not only do you have to get up at an ungodly hour, you also have to endure and overcome a minor panic about what to wear. The blue t-shirt? The black shoes? Do they even like blue?

You pause and make a mental note of another topic to discuss over your inevitably pointless daily IM chat.

 

  1. You worry about them leaving at least once a day

Everyone gets a new job eventually, but it obviously won’t be your crush. At least not before you’ve carefully crafted a plan to make them realise you are in fact a very cool person (which may or may not be true).

And even if it is them who’s next in line to send an awkward goodbye email – that’s fine. You’ll definitely keep in touch. Whether it’s email, phone, fax, carrier pigeon…everyone sticks to their word, right?

…right?

 

 

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